This year has been...quite wonky and not one to brag about. Aka, it's been pretty ballsy with many ups and downs, deaths, family problems, and I feel like I'm going insane.

My thought are everywhere right now, so let me rant? It's not a 'fuck this person' kind of rant... just a vent.



Am I good enough?
How am I not good enough?
Why am I not good enough?
I'm way too fucking proud for my own good,
So much so I can go only as far as to admit that something's wrong
But never say who's the cause and solve the problem,
and I let it sit and fester and eat away at me until I'm reeling with deep depression.
Why?
Because I'm fucking afraid.
Simple and plain.
And end up pushing those away that I don't want to push away
even if they are the cause, that's the LAST thing I want to do,
and usually they are unaware of it.
It fucking sucks, and I fucking hate it because I'm too fucking afraid to do anything about it so I let it eat away at me.

I care about those around me
But less so about myself
But those who've stuck with me and the random crap I go through know this
and it makes them worry.

I don't like worrying those close to me, so I try to do better for myself.

I want those people whom I am close to, to know that I love them very very mcuh, and would die for them
And I thank them for sticking with me through thick and thin
And letting me rant at them let them be an audience to my mood.
(You know who you are)

The same goes for the other way around

I love feeling needed
I NEED to be needed
I despise being falsely needed
I despise being lied to and led
Don't do it if you don't want a devil on your back.

If I am not needed, there is nothing
I am nothing
I have nothing
A life lived only for myself is worthless.

I wish I cared more for myself more
And I wish i wasn't so selfish when it comes to being wanted
I wish I wasn't as strong as I am and could easily display my emotions to those that ask
Im glad that those I do open up to understand me
I wish I had more friends like that, but you guys are enough
You wouldn't be called a Best Friend if it wasn't for that
I wish this wasn't as frustrating as it is...


I wish I didn't make my friends worry so much
Im sorry for that =[
I think Im okay now, and for the time I just need rest

The shit I'm going through is petty but it still hurts every so often.
Im feeling insecure, pressured and alone.


On an ending note:
Loneliness blows
I miss my friends... I really really really do



I'll cover this journal as soon as i can with something more important